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Rallentando / Accelerando

Holy crap! Orrot reader fooyung points out that those same two Sandoz chemists also discovered another pair of psychoactive bookends, bradysine and tachysine. (I wish I were making this up.) It’s killing me that MillerCoors isn’t bringing THEM out as drinks. Can you imagine? You think to yourself, “This evening is dragging,” so you just, “Barkeep, pull me a pint of speedthefuckup.” Or, conversely, you think to yourself, “I wish this evening would never end,” so you just grab a big ol’ shot of slowthefuckdown. (MillerCoors wouldn’t really name them that, but I bet they wouldn’t name them anything better either.)

Image CC-BY-NC-ND by Roby©

Inspected by 9973 and verified false at time of posting.

Posted in Cog 1 - Writing.

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Gettin’ (Re)loaded on a Saturday Night

Ten years ago a couple of Sandoz chemists discovered a pair of compounds, thymoumanine and lismonine, that (respectively) stimulate and depress activity in the hippocampus. MillerCoors LLC bought the patents eighteen months ago and has begun test-marketing a pair of beverages based on the compounds. I wonder whether the cans will be red and blue?

Image CC-BY-NC-ND by pinkangelbabe

Inspected by 9973 and verified false at time of posting.

Posted in Cog 1 - Writing.

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Ooo Ooo Ooo Aaa Aaa Aaa Apocalypse

I’ve never been very motivated one way or the other about medical experimentation on primates. I eat meat and use drugs, so I figure any resentment of animal testing would be rather hypocritical. Turns out I was an ass.

Everybody expected the Singularity to come from networking a bunch of computers together—one of those cases where a quantitative change hits a threshold and becomes a qualitative change. Nobody had their eye on Cai Houzi’s monkey-networking lab at Chengdu University of Technology. You know the old joke, “nine women, one month, one baby?” Well, it turns out rhesus monkeys actually work like that. Every time Cai’s monkeys failed a Turing test, she and her students simply added another monkey. She’s not sure at what point the meta-monkey began failing on purpose. “I guess we thought monkey humor would resemble human humor. Now we’ll never know for sure,” she says. CCTV footage shows the networked monkeys packing up the networking equipment, the spare monkeys, the remaining supplies of monkey chow and one napping graduate student and walking out the lab’s front door. All of the University’s other CCTV cameras were found disabled the next morning. Cai is in custody, though she denies any wrongdoing. No word from the monkeys.

Image CC-BY-NC-SA by Dey

Inspected by 9973 and verified false at time of posting.

Posted in Cog 1 - Writing.

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Echo: The NumeNaut’s New Zoo

Five fine specimens, as described below

Five fine specimens, as described below

Image CC-BY-NC by Mimi_K

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Posted in Cog 2 - Visual.

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Chinese Gay Scouts Build Space Ladder

Ever since last April’s successful orbiting of geosynchronous satellite Bite Me, Homophobic Comrade, the satellite has been slowly spinning a single filament of carbon nanosilk. Now that the filament has neared ground level, the scouts have begun using it as the core of a ladder that will eventually climb all the way back up to the satellite. “Mount Everest, Bah!” says Chen Wenming. “Grab your pressure suit and get climbing!”

Image CC-BY-SA by Marshall Astor – Food Pornographer

Inspected by 9973 and verified false at time of posting.

Posted in Cog 1 - Writing.

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The Shivering Lily of the Nabir River Basin

lily-bulbI am one of perhaps a handful of Westerners who can claim to bear witness to the terrible spectacle of the Shivering Lily.

My man Phuad and I were tracking rumors of an aquatic man – a prehistoric “Gill Man” – that the natives of the Nabir River Basin claim to haunt the most remote regions of their land. In addition to our regular gear we had enlisted the service of a pair of Whauffenhounds, descendents of the very same scent hounds who had served in the legendary hunts of Baron Fritz Von Vorstellen. As you well know, the tracking abilities of these distinguished canines are second to none.

We had primed the dogs to track the Gill Man by way of a scat sample that our native contact MikLuKik assured us had been left by the object of our hunt, and when on the ninth day of our expedition our lead dog Hans took off tearing into the bush we were elated. The Gill Man, captured at last! How wrong we were.

We quickly lost site of Hans, and our other dog, Fritz, was howling madly at the end of his leash. We followed Fritz deep into the muck of a nearby marsh and soon found ourselves gagging at an unbearable charnel odor – undoubtedly the same that had drawn Hans so quickly from our sides.

We broke through a maze of weed and mangrove trees just in time to see the dog approaching an enormous  flower of an unwholesome pallid color. The odor of rotting flesh hung heavily about the bloom, whose petals were the size of a grown man and laid flat upon the ground. Hans had scarcely brushed one of them before the bloom snapped shut like a clam, trapping him within like some sort of morbid cocoon.

Phuad and I pulled our machetes and began hacking at the flower, careful to strike at its base so as to avoid harming the dog we knew to be trapped within. Our efforts proved futile, and as we lowered our machetes we both witnessed how the legendary plant had earned its name: as Hans kicked and struggled against his captor, the lily appeared to shiver upon its stalk.

We could not leave the dog to be devoured alive by this devilish bloom: Phuad loosed his revolver and fired three shots into the plant. After that, the infernal bloom shivered no more.

Posted in Cog 1 - Writing.

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Echo: In Memoriam

 

CC-BY-NC-SA by japi14

Image CC-BY-NC-SA by japi14

Ten thousand voices scream out for life–for death–for ten thousand, ten million, different things.  I am seven of those voices, and, unbeknownst to my clients, I am weaving a tale of my own.  It’s a tale nobody will read, nobody will ever be able to put together, except me–for my seven voices have no connections to each other but me.

They haunt memorials scattered across the globe; on servers, some that now have more dead than live, keeping journals, posting pictures.  Living.  And not just digitally–hundreds of “wailing walls” have been fabricated, built on ley lines (only the fattest internet pipes), pushing message after fabricated message, indiscriminately, to the skies: these shrines to death, to the dead, range from morbid spectacle to brilliant outcry.  This is where my novel is written, where my play is acted, in a hundred different guises.

Tammy–dead at fifteen, the sober passenger of the drunken driver, her boyfriend not “old enough to drink”, but old enough to do so anyway and survive the crash himself.  It’s his prison-money that keeps her voice growing, changing, living.  I have her applying to colleges, though she can’t quite decide what she wants to be: lawyer, doctor, social-worker.  I left her the incident with her boyfriend, left him dead and her scarred, just a bit.  It’s had a profound effect on her psyche: it could have been her, after all.

Bert–beloved father of four.  Each of the four take turns chipping in to keep me going, sometimes with a prayer in one direction or another, but for the most part they expect nothing more than reminiscence.  My story gives him Tammy as an illegitimate daughter that, after certain changes in his life, he cares for with all the love he wished he could before.

Jim–dead in the last war, a decorated hero.  He seems a bit player in my drama, exchanging letters with Tammy through a high-school program.  But he has the best words of wisdom of them all.  His wife always thought of him as wise beyond his years, and so he must remain.

Abraham–a domestic violence case.  The state pays for his upkeep, and nobody really checks up on him.  In my world, he’s Governor of Arkansas, and tendering a bid for President.  There’s some clever intrigue going on, if I do say so myself, with his now-ex wife.  He’s taken a shining to Jim, and is polishing him up to take over the Governorship, if things go well.

Jillian–SIDS made her a nearly blank slate for me; her mother pays for her upkeep on the sly, despite their having two more after.  I’m supposed to work her into their daily life, but at the same time only the mother knows what’s going on.  I’ve made her a contemporary of Tammy’s–best friends with her, in fact.  Though she has a dirty little secret.  You can guess what it is, but you’d probably be wrong.

Jason–died in his sleep.  He was a bus driver for fifty years, had retired for five–I imagine he always hated his retirement.  His wife paid for his upkeep for a while, but she passed on as well, and they had no children to carry after.  But his voice is integral to my story, though, so I keep him going.  He’s a bus driver, of course.  Mostly for the high-school, but he also does charter runs–he’s done a few for Abraham.

Mike–that’s me.  My life goes on, as well.  I can’t help but weave these people in and out of it, for I know them better than they ever knew themselves, better than I could possibly know anyone else.  I write stories for a living–stories that keep memories alive.  Stories that give new memories, and new meanings, to the lives that have been handed me.  I have my sights on Jillian.  And I’m putting money aside to make sure that our story will never end.

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Senate Discusses Mass Emigration of U.S. Doctors

The Senate Emigration Subcommittee met in special session today to discuss the escalating brain drain of U.S. doctors, nurses and medical technicians who can no longer afford health care in the U.S. Many nations, particularly France, Singapore, Spain and Japan, have flung open their doors to medical immigrants from the U.S., who typically accept lower-status positions and drastically lower salaries in their new countries. “It’s worth it,” said one doctor who recently emigrated from California to Malta. “In Malta, I can stop worrying that if I find a lump in my breast I may have to default on my mortgage and move in with my mother-in-law.”

image CC-BY-NC-ND by sunnyUK

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Posted in Cog 1 - Writing.

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The Weehawken Troll

penny1923From the Gentleman’s Journal of Cryptozoology, 1923:

Even the most frugal of men may spy a penny on the sidewalk and give it nary a thought, stepping over it on the way to the haberdasher or butcher. It is unfortunate that it is so, for under the proper circumstances the humble copper penny can buy far more than a piece of toffee at the general store.

Ours is a nation of immigrants, and each generation of new Americans brings to our illustrious shores their own rich customs, costumes, foods and folklore. These things bring a richness of shared heritage and national identity not to be found anywhere else in the world, and as delightful as this can be, it is not without its shortcomings. Chief among these is the growing prevalence of mythical creatures in our largest cities. Unintentionally our immigrant neighbors bring their goblins, boggarts and shades with them to their new home, and these creatures, rootless in their new homeland, adapt as best as they can.

Such is the case of the Weehawken Troll. Described as a squat, mottled green being covered with horns and other bodily protrusions, the Weehawken Troll is said to hide in wait under bridges throughout the city that gives it its name. As ladies and gentlemen seek passage across these bridges, the Weehawken Troll is said to reveal himself on the other side and demand in a gravelly Nordic voice:

I seen me things
Strange might be
But pay me you will
Most certainly.

Needless to say, proper citizens of this city were left aghast by this manifestation, but with little choice afforded them, they were obliged to pay the beast in what manner they could.

Numerous items were proffered to the Weehawken Troll, and all of them were declined in turn: expensive jewelry, food items, treasury bills and even – in one unfortunate case – the youngest child of a prominent family. Others attempted to drive the creature off by force of arms, but this only resulted in the aggressors being devoured by the Troll. For the next several years, citizens avoided using bridges whenever possible.

Our Lord and Savior spoke of the wisdom of children, and never have the Truth of His words been more accurate than in the case of young Billy Toehinge, the lad who would eventually persevere over the Weehawken Troll.

Billy, in his haste to return home for dinner after a late ballgame, chose to cross a bridge one summer night. The Weehawken Troll was waiting for him. Billy had little to offer the creature save the single penny in his pocket. In his desperation, he offered the coin to the creature, which took it without hesitation, exclaiming:

Copper coin
Proper pay
From the days of youth
To this very day!

After young Billy returned home he shared the story with his parents. His father, in turn, related the occurrence to an old Swedish grandfather who had recently joined his daughter and her husband in the city. The elderly man recalled from the dimmest recesses of his memory a story his own father told about a troll who troubled in a similar manner the people of his village in the Old Country, pestering them for the small copper coins that were then the common currency. Apparently the troll had not abandoned his lust for the coin, and the pennies of his new country were close enough to be satisfactory.

From here the story spread to all quarters of the city, and men and women began to toss a penny over the side of the bridge as tribute for the troll every time they passed. The tradition carries on even today, although the troll himself has not been seen for many, many years.

Posted in Cog 1 - Writing.

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Echo: White Gold, Black Gold, Red Gold

CC-BY-NC-SA by TACD

Image CC-BY-NC-SA by TACD ( ~ dreams of a buffet ~)

Steven blessed the all-powerful Escherichia coli.  ”My salvation,” he purred, stroking the thick white coat growing from his left arm.  ”From such humble beginnings,” he coughed to himself.  ”With a few missteps, of course.”

He liked to compare himself to Bond’s villains, only he was liberating the people of the world.  Sure, a few nations would fall–the greedy, the commercialist; there would be war, there would be bloodshed.  But salvation would be in the water, breeding for anyone to drink in.  He foresaw the religious, the luddite, migrating inwards–away from oceans, lakes, rivers.  They would flock to the desert, awaiting their end, praying to their various Gods.

Sheep wool–warmth for anyone–that had been his first triumph.  He’d tattooed his creations in, a subcutaneous transformation.  After a series of rashes, his armhair all falling out, some days of doubt–white gold had sprouted forth: enough to warm him in any conditions.  Then he’d moved on to other vectors, other dreams.  It was hard to make the body process other fuels, but it could create them, excrete them.  Kerosene-coated coal was his next invention.  Easy to light, enough to power a stove for a night, with almost no extra consumption of goods.  The vector on that had been tougher, but that in itself had been an inspiration.

He’d already tested his new bloom in a few isolated lakes.  It could be defeated by filtering purifiers, but not iodine.  A few people died–those too young, already infirm.  But there were few of those that would hike out to a lake and drink from it.  And he hadn’t defeated the food chain, yet–fish were “safe”.  It had to be water (salt or fresh).  But he was working on that.

Soon everyone would produce enough to keep themselves warm, and their neighbor too.  For food–for food, he was working on blood, a little something he was calling agniglobin.  So long as you were warm, you would live.  So long as you were warm and had water.  ”Don’t worry,” he muttered,  ”Steven’s bringing you salvation”, moving carefully so as to not over-excite in front of the fire’s licking tongues.

Posted in Cog 1 - Writing, Cog 2 - Visual.

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