More news from the world of cortical implants:
The Arkansas Department of Correction has contracted with iLess in Mountain View to equip violent offenders with remote-readable cortical implants. The theory is that corrections officers will be able to monitor parolees’ visual imaginations and intervene ahead of any crimes. But seriously: Have you ever watched the output of one of those things? Try this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27182818. See what I mean? They would be better off hiring Madame Libertina and her crystal balls. Listen up, AR. Save it for the Department of Pareidolia. And iLess? You’re dicks. Go back to selling bibles to old ladies.
Image CC-BY-NC-ND by tashland
Inspected by 9973 and verified false at time of posting.
Friday, April 24, 2009 By Fritz_Bogott
You probably have to be Thai to really understand this one.
I’m told (via Nong) that a big chunk of Muay Thai fans have gone over to a new version of the sport. Fighters all have crude but effective cortical implants (no place like Thailand for implants, after all). Each fight (in the absence of a knockout) goes five rounds. In round one, the fighters have their senses of taste reversed: Fighter A is wired to Fighter B’s tongue and vice-versa. Round two: smell. Round three, touch. Round four, hearing. Round five, sight. Damn, right?
Edited to add: The ever-vigilant Yaar! points out that the porn-merchants got there first, as in the lucha-themed ¿Quién chinga quién?
Image CC-BY-NC by Adrian Whelan
Inspected by 9973 and verified false at time of posting.
Thursday, April 23, 2009 By Fritz_Bogott
(Image: No known copyright restrictions ~ Flickr Commons)
Lucy smiled at the photographer, ready to show her trick one more time. There was a slight pop as her head came off–which some observers attributed to the photographer’s jaw, and some his camera. None of them quite wanted to admit that she’d really removed her head. And really, there was no blood–no viscera at all.
There was a slight pop as she reattached it. The group blinked as one. This was a game she could play until the stars went out–the last android left among a race just discovering electricity (for the fourth time).
Wednesday, April 22, 2009 By kaolin
until we had six individuals, all of whom were pathological liars as well as highly suggestible. At the end of their discussion all six had childhood memories in common with each other and with no one else. We then sent them on solo tours of each other’s memories
Image CC-BY-NC-SA by otherthings
Tuesday, April 21, 2009 By Fritz_Bogott
“]
The milk leapt
and opened
for the peanut
juice (essence)
and snorted
in–deep.
It worked (for).
Sorry Rover, sorry Mittens, it’s time to admit it–animal sentience is passe. Scientists are now working on fulfilling the ancient promise of sentience for all things. Above is a shot of the first naturally born Milkephant(TM). It was bred from a new experimental cow milk and the standard gene vectors. The new growth hormone of the 2200’s–grow your brain! Grow your fern’s brain! Grow your food’s brain!
Spokesbeings for General Volksmotors are available for further comment at ipv8://fe.ff.8c.9a.12.66.87.cc or meta://aCqGVnow
Monday, April 20, 2009 By kaolin
Social scientists have expressed concern that teenagers’ widespread use of reciprocally-aware RFID-transceiving mood rings may lead to mass social-sorting by mood: Happy teens will only encounter other happy teens, angry teens will only encounter other angry teens, and so on. Parents counter that this does not represent a change versus the historical pattern of pre-RFID teens.
Image CC-BY-NC-SA by dead redhead
Inspected by 9973 and verified false at time of posting.
Monday, April 20, 2009 By Fritz_Bogott
Holy crap! Orrot reader fooyung points out that those same two Sandoz chemists also discovered another pair of psychoactive bookends, bradysine and tachysine. (I wish I were making this up.) It’s killing me that MillerCoors isn’t bringing THEM out as drinks. Can you imagine? You think to yourself, “This evening is dragging,” so you just, “Barkeep, pull me a pint of speedthefuckup.” Or, conversely, you think to yourself, “I wish this evening would never end,” so you just grab a big ol’ shot of slowthefuckdown. (MillerCoors wouldn’t really name them that, but I bet they wouldn’t name them anything better either.)
Image CC-BY-NC-ND by Roby©
Inspected by 9973 and verified false at time of posting.
Friday, April 17, 2009 By Fritz_Bogott
Ten years ago a couple of Sandoz chemists discovered a pair of compounds, thymoumanine and lismonine, that (respectively) stimulate and depress activity in the hippocampus. MillerCoors LLC bought the patents eighteen months ago and has begun test-marketing a pair of beverages based on the compounds. I wonder whether the cans will be red and blue?
Image CC-BY-NC-ND by pinkangelbabe
Inspected by 9973 and verified false at time of posting.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009 By Fritz_Bogott
I’ve never been very motivated one way or the other about medical experimentation on primates. I eat meat and use drugs, so I figure any resentment of animal testing would be rather hypocritical. Turns out I was an ass.
Everybody expected the Singularity to come from networking a bunch of computers together—one of those cases where a quantitative change hits a threshold and becomes a qualitative change. Nobody had their eye on Cai Houzi’s monkey-networking lab at Chengdu University of Technology. You know the old joke, “nine women, one month, one baby?” Well, it turns out rhesus monkeys actually work like that. Every time Cai’s monkeys failed a Turing test, she and her students simply added another monkey. She’s not sure at what point the meta-monkey began failing on purpose. “I guess we thought monkey humor would resemble human humor. Now we’ll never know for sure,” she says. CCTV footage shows the networked monkeys packing up the networking equipment, the spare monkeys, the remaining supplies of monkey chow and one napping graduate student and walking out the lab’s front door. All of the University’s other CCTV cameras were found disabled the next morning. Cai is in custody, though she denies any wrongdoing. No word from the monkeys.
Image CC-BY-NC-SA by Dey
Inspected by 9973 and verified false at time of posting.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009 By Fritz_Bogott
Five fine specimens, as described below
Image CC-BY-NC by Mimi_K
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Monday, April 13, 2009 By kaolin
