On the Attempted Acquisition of a Mind Lamprey

More than a fair number of my cryptozoological expeditions take place in the metadimension the ancient philosophers termed the “astral plane”. While the ancients made their journeys through the use of dangerous psychoactive chemicals and various magico-religious chants of spurious benefit, I am fortunate to reap the benefits of living in a more enlightened era and, thus, am able to utilize the latest in psychogenic technology.

My own laboratory is one of only two in the entire world to feature the Tulpa 900 Projection Unit, quite possibly the finest piece of neuronautic materiel available to man today. With this unit, I can, along with my man Phand, safely and quickly cross the Limnal Barrier into astral consciousness for my research.

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Although I will continue to refer to this metadimension as “astral”, the term is something of a misnomer – albeit one thousands of years in the making. The old shamans and priests who were fortunate enough to possess the neurological makeup to allow them to discover the means of traveling to this sphere explained its existence in the only way that they knew how: in physical terms. This “place” had to exist somewhere and since it scarcely resembled any earthly location the ancients mistakenly looked to the stars as its source, hence the term “astral”. Although it is easy to look back with our modern minds and see that this was a simple categorical error – in essence, utilizing a physical geography in an attempt to describe a dimension of reality that exists entirely in a noncorporeal space overlaying the mundane one we know – those first few psychonauts had little instruction or previous experience in which to base their assertions. From this first error, many generations of potential students tragically interpreted the metaphor of spiritual “flight” as a literal description of earthly activities, blocking them from the essential truth of this realm.

A recent expedition found us attempting what should have been the simple acquisition of a Mind Lamprey. The Mind Lamprey is an unpleasant life form with a dual existence in both the physical and astral realms. It resembles a silvery, translucent bloated eel or worm with one end of its body ornamented with a large round mouth surrounded with hooks. Although this creature may not sound familiar to you, it is quite likely that you have been the object of its predation at least once in your life.

As most of my readers well know, many people subconsciously wander the astral plane in their sleep. Although it is a very common experience, many may go their entire life never realizing the truth of their wanderings, attributing the half-remembered visions they awake with to extremely vivid dreams. If only they knew! Travel in the astral is extremely dangerous for these dreamers, for without the protective equipment and hard-earned experience of well-traveled psychonauts they are prone to attack by any manner of astral predator and parasite. In most cases, the ill effects of these attacks are limited to waking with a feeling of fatigue or, rarer still, persistent migraines and chronic nervousness. However, in extremely rare cases, attacks by astral beasts can result in death: a likely explanation in those cases where otherwise healthy men or women die in their sleep.

The Mind Lamprey is a fairly pernicious beast, latching itself on to dreaming visitors to the astral realm. From there, it is an unfortunately simple matter for the beast to begin to sap the energy away from its human prey. Even when such an unfortunate soul is awake the lamprey maintains its hold, slowly pulling ever bit of life energy out of his or her body. While the lamprey grows fat, its victim grows weak, eventually succumbing to insanity and ultimately death over the course of a few months. Fortunately, Mind Lampreys are fairly rare, and are growing more so every day thanks to the growing popularity of cat ownership. Cats are among this world’s only beasts that can enter and exit the astral plane at will. They appear to be sleep for much of the day and night because they patrol the psychic space in and around their masters’ homes, stalking and devouring astral parasites like Mind Lampreys. No such creature has a chance as long as a good cat is around.

Anyway, back to the story at hand: my man Phand and I had just crossed into the astral plane and upon encountering a Mind Lamprey decided to capture it for further study. It was unattached to any host and as soon as it sensed us near, it moved in our direction. Phand prepared our psychic trap for the beast and I attempted to maneuver myself in such a way to lure it toward the trap. It was not a difficult thing for two seemingly well-traveled psychonauts such as us. I say “seemingly” in respect to what happened after we had trapped the creature.

Upon closing the lid upon the Mind Lamprey’s trap Phand and I both sensed a sudden quiet in the astral realm. This is highly unusual. Normally the astral is abuzz with sound: the notes of music composed by sleeping musicians, the angry mutterings of mad men, the laughter of old ghosts who have refused to discorporate. The silence was a singular event, and as we paused in our preparations to return to the material plane, a dark shadow fell upon us. We both looked up and saw what we at first mistook to be a large zeppelin, albeit one covered in thousands of tiny streamers. We were frozen in shock as the thing descended, seeming to grow even larger as it neared our location.

As it came within our eyesight we were terrified to see that it was an enormous Mind Lamprey, identical to our own in all aspects except for size. The giant beast’s mouth could have easily swallowed both of us whole, and as that gaping maw turned to face me I could see scores of astral bodies, dreamers and travelers like ourselves who had fallen victim to this great leviathan. The “streamers” we had observed were hundreds of Mind Lampreys clinging to the skin of this monster, this beast that could only be their mother.

I knew that we couldn’t possibly cross the Limnal Barrier in time to escape this thing, and secretly I prepared for what I knew to be the end. However, my man Phand kept his wits about him. “Release the lamprey,” he said. “That is why it is here. It wants its child.”

I broke free of my terror long enough to break the seal on the trap, and as we watched the lamprey join its mother we activated our emergency beacon, praying that the thing would let us leave.

As we crossed the barrier from the astral realm to the material, we heard the beast roar, a terrifying noise that stayed with us long after we had left the isolation tanks of the Tulpa 900.